there are some nights… well a lot of nights if I am honest, that I lay in my bed for hours… I know I am tired. But I can’t sleep. My mind tends to race a thousand miles a minute, the funny thing is… I couldn’t tell you one thing I was thinking. That the part I hate about depression and anxiety. One little thing can make my day horrible. but it takes a million things to bring me back up. then by the end of the day, here i am. wide awake. I’ve read a few chapters from the latest Nicholas Sparks book. guess what… i’m still awake. I watched an episode of Chicago Fire. guess what. again. still awake.
I’ve tried the natural things, the oils, the melatonin, I’ve even moved on to Aleve PM. But i am just over it!
Nursing school is stressful. Working is stressful. Relationships are stressful (all kinds! romantic and friendships!). Family is stressful. My past haunts me more often then not.
But – all of the bad stuff I still wouldn’t change anything because of all the good things that have come out of it.
but ya know… given the chance. it would be nice to be able to empty my mind completely! Like give me flash drive let me plug it into my brain – move everything on to it and go to sleep without a thought or care in the world. – of course the next morning I would put it back in my brain – because I’d probably have a nursing test that morning.
I’m not a big writer. and I can’t say that I will post often- but these nights it is nice to just vent about something – and writing it in a journal just is so non rewarding.
Everyone struggles- and we all struggle in our own ways.
My struggle is letting go- I can forgive pretty well – but forgetting is the hard part. Letting go of things that happened in the past isn’t something I can do. Not feeling loved by someone who should love you is something that makes my self esteem go lower and lower. I try to not let it bother me. but today is a bad day. Yesterday was that person’s birthday. and I have this emptiness in my stomach. that I can’t get rid of. I know I deserve better than to be treated like that- but it still is the most painful thing in the world to feel –
I use to have this quote hanging up “hatred is a curved blade that you point toward someone else- but really is is only hurting you” I do not know who this is by, but it is something I think of often- I wish I had advice on how to get us all to forget about the hurt, forget about the anger, forget about all the times people have turned their back on us. But the other thing I remember – is that God puts his strongest people through the hardest things. that everything happens for a reason – and for some reason we are all going through struggles because 1. God knows we can get through them 2. He also has a plan for us on why we are going through them .
So stay strong. Pray. and know that someone else is struggling too. and it may be something similar to your struggles-
peace be with you.