Time To Get Deep.

So be prepared to cry and for this to be a jumbled mess. I am going to do my best

I do not like to air my dirty laundry – but this is the story of how I am finding out how much people affect you – and how you find the best friends out of a horrible situation. So please do not judge me for airing this dirty laundry.

The past few months have been very difficult for me. My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up. We had a house we were working on and we had recently rescued a pitbull from the Human society, (that I was very attached to).

Things in our relationship had not been going well for a while, we will both admit that. But we were trying to tough it out. We both came from families of divorce and we wanted to make it work. I’ve been away at school most of our relationship with being together when I am home from school.

I’ve been suffering from chronic tension headaches for about 3 months now. I am in my last year of nursing school. I do not sleep very much. I have horrible depression and anxiety.

Noah and I started out good- it all happened fast and it seemed kind of like a fairytale. It was like I was dreaming. But I went with it. I thought that was going to be my happily ever after.

Anyone that knows me, knows I have huge dreams, I have a huge passion for nursing and serving others. I was impacted by this relationship. Not because Noah was a bad guy but because we just got to a point where we didn’t make sense together. I tried to deny it every second.

My family and Noah didn’t get along – they never had. No matter how hard I tried to get them to no matter how much I begged. it was just never going to happen. but I wouldn’t accept it. I kept pushing noah to try to fit into my family. I kept pushing my family to accept him. But it just made things worse.

I drifted from my family- my mom and I were not as close – and my sister and I were fighting more than ever. and it put a huge strain on Noah and I as well.

Finally I had hit my limit with my headaches. I was in so much pain that it was affecting my daily life. I wasn’t working- I was barely making it through class – I was doing as minimal as possible. I wasn’t sleeping but 3-4 hours a night. I was taking my anxiety pills 3 times a day when I was only taking them 1 time a day. I was taking so much Aleve for my headaches that I was going through bottles so fast. I was so grumpy.

So I went to the ER and had the migraine cocktail and got my headaches under control.

But, the true colors of Noah and my’s relationship started to shine through.

That weekend was pretty much hell. We were not talking very much and I honestly didn’t know how I felt about it- Its weird. going from talking to someone almost every minute of the day to not talking to them for 3 days straight.

We talked about space being needed (which I will admit didn’t make sense to me, and honestly still doesn’t because I live in indy, I hadn’t been home in weeks, so what kind of space was this..) So we didn’t talk for a few days – Then we talked a few days later and it didn’t seem like it bothered either of us too much to not be talking. So we called it quits.

From there I felt worthless- I kept thinking I will be alone forever. I had had many issues when some men in my life. and the thought running through my head was “another man leaving my life, what is wrong with me” but I tried to remember my step-dad who has never turned his back on me. My grandpa who cares about me so much sat me down to have a conversation and we were both crying (this is the first time I ever saw my grandpa cry) while he told me that he is worried about me and my relationship.

I was thinking well this changes everything – maybe I will just move to a new country be a nurse in some foreign country and just do my own thing. – But really – you all know how much of a family person I am – so there is no way I could ever do that. My mom and I talk everyday – I talk to my grandma everyday – I have some kind of communication with my sister everyday. I am way to connected to my friends and family to just leave.

So, I did something that I never thought I would do.

I got on a dating website. – come to find out my mother had created a profile (no pictures and no info and did no messaging) just to find out who was out there in the area.

So I got on this website.. Kind of skeptical – not thinking that anything would really happen.

Now, mind you- my mom and step-dad met online. My “big sister” Kali and her fiancé Dave met online. My sister and her boyfriend met online. and they are all SO happy. So I really had no reason to be skeptical.

I was on for about 4 hours- and I was getting SO many messages it was over whelming.. some of them were creepy of course- but then others seemed normal.  Well I had the mentality that I am not going to message anyone I am just going to wait for someone to message me. but There is that”flirt” button that you can press and then see if anything comes back.

So I find this guy – ya know, he is kinda cute and is from the area back home and I was like well I’ll just hit the button..

then I thought well maybe I’ll send a message – so I typed this message out – got freaked out and then thought I deleted it. so I went on just browsing. Then decided – no I need to put myself out there and not be afraid. So I typed another message and sent it this time..

So life goes on – I am getting a ton of messages  from guys – still really overwhelmed – thinking this just doesn’t happen this easily..

So then I get a message back from this guy.. well I had sent that first message- so I sent two messages- different messages – so lets talk about how desperate I sound….

I had one picture on there so he asked if it was a fake profile. lol so I had to send another picture proving it wasn’t a fake profile. lol

So we talked for a while through this site.. then we texted for a while.

I got a text the next morning – so sweet.

I had a huge test that day. then after my test I got a phone call and we talked for a while.

We talked for about 6 hours total that day on the phone. again- me thinking – this doesn’t happen….

So anyways – Nick is great, sweet, of course pretty handsome. etc etc.

But moral of this blog post… What I really wanted to get to.

I was talking to my best friend today about Nick. and I asked her – Do you think I moved too fast? do you think I am crazy. do you think I am going about this all wrong…

Let me just quote some of the things she said – Cue the water works because this is hard.

“You have handled this break up better than anyone would”

“I think it was because you have truly realized what you deserve and that was not your last relationship”

“If nick treats you the way you deserve – then you deserve that”

“I see a visible change in you, like I don’t see you being completely full of anxiety all the time like you were when you were in the past”

“Today I was thinking you seem joyful even in a time when we are stressed with finals”

“Before you lost that joy, you were anxious all the time”

“Just seeing this change in your makes me so happy”

I then was kind of in shock – and I said You have seen this difference already?

“yes” was her reply. along with

“It was always an added stress in your life”

“You have a lot going on and a relationship should help you get through that but I feel like you had a lot more stress”

“Since you have broken up I have seen a huge difference in you”

I was thinking.. and I was like. I haven’t taken my anxiety pills in 5 days. When I said before I was taking 3 a day for a while.

Hannah asked me about Headaches. and How I was sleeping

I realized my headaches haven’t been as bad lately. they have been minor. I haven’t even taken meds for it.

The sleep is a lost cause lol. I just am never going to sleep.

But she said to me that this is still such a huge improvement for you.

I don’t want to portray Noah as a bad person. I do not regret the relationship because I wouldn’t be who I am now if I hasn’t been in that relationship. We had a lot of fun and a lot of memories. but we are better off apart.

We are both moving on with our lives.